It’s a beautiful night. The setting sun is shining through the window preventing darkness from seeping into my room. I am listening to the vocals of my favorite bands, one right after the other, while I am going through the manuscript edits my editor handed back to me. I humbly go through my edits, feeling a mix of pride and depression. I knew my shortcomings, I knew my strengths, but I always get so anxious during this part of the publishing process. I feel so anxious because I am so close to the finish line that I can see it and taste it. However, there’s still so long to go between where I am now and the finish line, that it feels me with impatience. I don’t know if I posted this already, my memory is hazy tonight, but my release date will be October 29th of this year. I am so excited for it to be released.
I have been on vacation earlier this month and it was kind of a surprise so I didn’t get to do the monthly writing challenge that I planned on. So, I decided to start today. I wanted to make these short stories or poems still connect to my novel series in some way.
so this is a little flash fiction about Matt dwelling on some insecurities. This piece would come before the first novel.
Please enjoy it.
Summertime Blues by Britt Noonan
“I am so disappointed in you.”
I know you are. I heard you tell Calvin when you thought I was in the restroom. I know you hate who I have become. I know I am not the same person you met in the sixth grade. I know you have no idea who I am anymore. I know I am asking so much of you for being my friend. I know I have been screwing up lately.
Stop staring at me like this. I can’t take that look anymore. Stop it, stop it, Alex, stop it. I don’t want to do this tonight. Not tonight.
“Why during my birthday party?”
I don’t know. I don’t know. You’ve been ignoring me the entire night. You’ve been hanging with Calvin and I was just sitting on your couch watching you laugh and talk to everybody but me. I would rather hang out with Calvin, I got lonely.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
Sure, you have. When? When you were flirting with that tall and tan stranger? Sure, you sure missed me.
“Are you going to explain yourself? What were you thinking?”
He called me handsome. He wanted to talk to me. He said I was cool. He wanted to be with me. He showed me attention when even you didn’t. Even I crave attention, sometimes. Did you forget that about me? Or are you just too busy to notice?
“Whatever, I’m going to go on a walk. I hope he was worth skipping your best friend’s birthday party.”
No, don’t go, please I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I only want you, that’s all I want. You have no idea how much you mean to me. I didn’t mean to make you mad, I couldn’t deal with seeing you flirting. I want to be the one flirting with you but I know that’ll never be a possibility. I just needed a distraction. I needed to feel attractive and worthy of love for once. That’s it. I’m sorry.
“I’ll call you tomorrow when you are sober. Goodnight, Matt.”
I watch you leave. Leaving me alone in the middle of the street, I stare at the stars overhead. I start to walk home, hearing your words play over and over again in my head. I know it’s me who is wrong. I abandoned your party for sex, I abandoned your party for booze, I abandoned you, the person who means the world to me, for cheap thrills. This has to stop. I promise. I know I have disappointed you but this was the last time I did. For now, on, I am going to change my life so you can be proud of me. And maybe, just maybe, you may find me worthy enough to date. And maybe, I will finally, I can happy. I don’t know if it’ll happen but I’ll try my hardest.